Blame It On The Sheets
by Newgirl78
Summary: Nick and Jess finally understand the allure of Schmidt's high thread count bedding.


**This idea was suggested to me on Tumblr by an anon. I was originally going to include it in Bar Stools, but I've decided to keep that story at the T rating. I am aware that Schmidt does NOT have a closet in his room, but for this story, we're just going to imagine that he does. ;-)**

* * *

Jess walked past the kitchen with laundry in her hand, yelling. "Schmidt, will you quit leaving your underwear in the laundry room. I'm starting to think you're doing it on purpose!"

Briefly knocking and walking through the half open door to his bedroom, she stepped inside. Seeing that he wasn't there, she sighed and placed the items on his bed.

"Hey, what's all the yelling?" Nick was at the doorway as she turned around.

She motioned to the bed. "I swear to God, if he doesn't stop leaving his obnoxious hand woven _whatever_ material underwear hanging on my drying rack, I'm going to kill him."

Nick laughed. "He spends money on the weirdest crap."

"Right? I mean, really? And who _air dries _boxer shorts?" She leaned down to gesture toward the pile, but she accidentally caught her finger on the fabric, and flipped it on the floor off the side of the bed. She rolled her eyes and growled, spinning around to bend over. "GAH."

Nick's smile quickly faded and he started to nervously run his tongue back in forth in his mouth, his jaw relaxing. _Damn Jess, what the hell are you wearing? _As she turned around and bent over, the very short skirt of her dark blue sundress flew up the back of her thighs and he could clearly see that she was wearing a pair of black lace thongs underneath. _What the hell? Why had he never seen THOSE before?_

"Hey, um, Jess?" He felt a bead of sweat on his forehead and a tightening in his shorts.

She grimaced as she threw Schmidt's underwear back on the bed in disgust and stood up. "What?" She flipped her right hand across her face to brush her hair aside and put her hands on her hips.

"Um, you, what?" Nick could barely speak.

She scrunched up her face, looking at Nick. "What's wrong with you?"

He stepped forward directly in front of her with a strange grin on his face. She slowly pulled her head back and leaned away from him, trying to keep his approaching face in focus. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Nick's eyes looked down her body and back up to her eyes. He swallowed, a devious grin forming across his face as he grabbed her waist. "Did you go shopping recently?"

She looked at him like he was crazy, crossing her arms in front of her. "Shopping? Since when are you interested in my shopping habits?!"

His hands started to trail across her waist towards her back. He smiled as he pulled her closer, her hands gently pushing against his chest. "Jessica?" His hands continued to travel over the small bump of her ass and he started to scrunch up the back of her skirt with his fingers.

A smile slowly spread across her face as her hands slid up and around his neck. "Ohhhh, that..." She leaned in to kiss him, gently biting his lower lip as she pulled away. His hands had managed to make their way entirely under her skirt and he squeezed her hard. "I see you approve."

He growled under his breath and pulled her to his chest aggressively. He kissed her hard, his mouth covering hers and his tongue quickly making it's way into her mouth. She passionately returned the kiss as he started walking her backwards toward the bed.

She moaned and leaned her head back as he started kissing her neck. "hmmm, if I would have known THIS would happen..."

"Mmmmmhmmm."

They fell on the bed, Jess pulling him on top of her. Her hands dropped to her sides on the bed to lean back. She stopped short, pulling up on her elbows and sliding her hands back and forth. She looked up at Nick. "Damn."

Nick stared at her, clearly annoyed that she had stopped kissing him.

"Do you feel this? Feel this." She looked down at her hands and Nick sighed.

"What are you..." He half stood up in a leaning position on his left arm, and ran his right hand along the comforter. His mouth turned down and he nodded, "huh, that's nice."

"Isn't it?" She exclaimed excitedly, then her face quickly changed into a devious smile. She leaned to her left and looked toward the door, then back at Nick. He turned his head around to see what she was looking at, and then their eyes met. He raised his eyebrows and she nodded her head. Letting out a laugh, he crashed his lips back down on hers and her hands quickly made their way to his waistband as she sat up. Within seconds he was naked from the waist down and as he continued to kiss her, she slid backwards up the bed to the pillows and he crawled on top of her. He ran his hands up her skirt and tugged at the thin waistband to the black lace thongs that had resulted in them about to have sex on Schmidt's bed, yanking them with his right hand as she bent her legs, and throwing them to the side.

"Condom." She said breathlessly, as his lips continued to press against her neck.

He nodded and raised himself up on his knees. Jess took the opportunity to reach out and grab his erection roughly, surprising him as he fell forward. "Ooof." He looked down at her, his eyes directly in front of hers. "Mmmmm" He leaned in to aggressively kiss her once again as she squeezed and started pumping. He pulled away and she was now kissing his neck. "Jess...Jess stop...just" He took a deep breath and pulled her hand away, a momentary frown coming across her face. "Damn Jess, slow down..." He quickly jumped across her towards the side of the bed and grabbed the handle of Schmidt's nightstand drawer.

In his excitement, he yanked just a little too hard and the entire drawer came flying out. Jess let out a gasp which quickly turned into uncontrollable giggles. "SHIT." He turned to Jess and hissed. "Will you quit laughing..." He looked down and grimaced when saw the contents of the drawer spilled across the floor at his feet. "GAH!"

Jess sat up and leaned over to see what he was looking at. "OH MY GOD. EW. Just...EW." The entire floor was now covered with an array of sex toys and different colored condom wrappers. Jess threw her legs over the side of the bed. She closed her eyes and reached down, feeling around for a few seconds and picking up a random condom. She stood up and waved it in front of his face. "Just forget about it, get over here!"

The drawer dropped from Nick's hand and he scrambled back up onto the bed. He knelt beside her and as she fumbled with the condom. Just as she was about to rip it open, they heard a noise and both froze. The front door to the loft slammed shut and Nick looked down at her wide eyes, mouthing. "SHIT."

They heard angry voices coming towards them. Nick pushed himself backwards off the bottom of the bed as Jess jumped off the side. He picked up his clothes as Jess closed her eyes and pursed her lips. She squatted down and started shoving the contents of the drawer under the bed.

Nick stood on the other side of the bed in front of the closet holding his clothes, motioning for her and hissing, "Jess, COME ON."

She stood up and looked around her feet. The voices were coming closer. She saw the drawer, quickly shoved it back in the nightstand and jumped up on the bed. Running across, she leaped off the other side, grabbing Nick's hand and diving into Schmidt's closet just as the door to the room flew all the way open.

* * *

They were huddled on the floor of Schmidt's closet, the only light coming through the slits in the louvered doors. On the other side, Schmidt and Elizabeth were arguing loudly about something. Nick and Jess kept their voices barely above a whisper, her mouth inches from his ear. She took her right hand and slowly ran it down his chest and settled on his erection. She wrapped her hand around it and he let out a small gasp.

"Nick...I still have the condom."

"Jessica, are you CRAZY?" he hissed.

"Crazy _twirly_, Nick Miller." She leaned to kiss him and bit his lip, pushing him into a seated position against the back wall. "I bet I can be quieter than you."

A grunt escaped the back of his throat as his fingers made their way up her dress and started to trail her hipbone. "Oh, really Day? Is that what you think?"

She pushed a few pairs of Schmidt's shoes to the side and straddled Nick's lap up on her knees. She slowly opened the condom and started to put it on him as his fingers found her and started massaging her in gentle circles. Without missing a beat, she ripped his hand away and positioned him inside of her, slowly lowering herself, a loud moan escaping his lips. She quickly put her mouth on his, smiling against his lips. "Not too loud there tiger." She continued to sit down on him, and just when he thought he had reached her deepest point, she pushed a little harder and he felt his eyes roll back in his head, as his head slammed back against the wall behind him. _God, he had never felt something so incredible before._ She quickly realized she couldn't take it anymore and began to move herself up and down as Nick's hands were under her dress, clawing at her back. She leaned over to kiss his neck.

"Jess...shit"

Her voice was breathless in his ear. "So deep Nick...so deep." She suddenly slowed down and sat down hard once more, forcing him in even deeper and grinding down into him. He felt her clench around him and she let out a not-so-quiet yelp in his ear. Her entire body started to shake as she allowed herself to completely succumb to her orgasm. He paused for a moment before he grabbed her waist and started to move her up and down once again. She let out a small giggle, before she once again took control and moments later, he felt himself release inside of her.

She collapsed against him as he tried to catch his breath. "Jess, you...definitely go shopping more often."

She put her hands on his chest, resting her head on his shoulder, gasping for air. "Definitely." She took a moment before sliding him out of her. She adjusted her dress and moved to sit on her knees next to him. She watched him remove the condom and knot it, tossing it aside.

Jess quickly grabbed his face in her hands and kissed him softly, unable to contain her giggles. "I can't believe we just had sex in Schmidt's_ closet_?! What is wrong with us?"

He brought his arms around her and reached behind to grasp her hair at her neck, pulling it together. He gently scraped his fingers against her skin, damp strands sticking to her neck. "Maybe he's on to something with those damn fancy sheets."

She let out a loud laugh. He slapped her hand across her mouth, but it was too late. He quickly pulled her onto his lap, to cover his naked lower half, just as the door flew open.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!"

When Schmidt looked into his closet, he was met with Jess' wide eyes and a hand covered mouth. Nick's closed his eyes, his head falling forward against the back of Jess' neck. He moaned, "this is not happening..."

Jess slowly grabbed Nick's hand, removing his hand as her eyes darted back and forth. "Heeeeey, Schmidt. Fancy seeing YOU here." She pointed to him and winked.

"Whaaaaat. THE HELL." His eyes fell to Jess' side. "Is that?" Jess followed his gaze, seeing their condom on the floor, and then back up to Schmidt as he closed his eyes. She winced as he started screaming. "DISSSSGUSTING. I can't UNSEE that, Jessica Day. NICHOLAS MILLER, what do you think this is, your own personal sex cave?!"

Nick's voice was muffled from the back wall of the closet. "Schmidt..."

Jess started to stand up, but Nick pulled her back down, hissing in her ear. "No clothes Jess."

Jess blushed and looked at Schmidt. "So, Schmidt. Think you could give us just ONE," she held up her finger, grinning. "minute?"

Schmidt's face was bright red, clearly seething, his nostrils flared. He spun on his heels, grabbing the hand of a very shocked Elizabeth, and stomped out of his room, screaming about disinfectants and a new wardrobe.

Jess stood up and Nick rubbed his hands on his face. "Yep, this is my nightmare." He grasped Jess' outstretched hand and stood up. He quickly put on his clothes as Jess turned to check the corner of the room for her panties. He picked up the condom, found a tissue on Schmidt's dresser and wrapped it up, shoving it in his pocket. Jess walked over to him, with her black lace thongs dangling from her pinky, a grin on her face.

"So do you think these were a _good _idea, or a bad one?"

Nick shook his head, trying not to laugh. He stepped closer to give her a quick kiss, wrapping his arm around her and pinching her naked butt under her dress. "Definitely good."


End file.
